Monday, January 16, 2012

When Real Life is Worse Than Fiction

I knew a few seconds after the image came up on the screen that something was terribly wrong. At my ultrasound only nine days before, our bonus baby had been sucking his thumb and kicking around and his heartbeat was strong.

But this time, he was motionless and the little throbbing mass in his chest that lets us know everything is okay was nowhere to be found.  The doctor kept making the image larger, and searching and looking. She didn’t say a word.

She didn’t have to. 

After three years of normal, healthy ultrasounds, I knew the difference.

But finally I just asked, without much hope-

“Do you see the heartbeat?”.

“No, actually.”

She had her colleague, the woman who delivered my daughter Julie, come in and confirm. I made them call in my husband from the waiting room.

And so began one of the longest, most confusing, terrible days of my life.

I guess in a way, all the worst days start out normal. In retrospect, I almost pity that poor couple we were before the appointment; oblivious, tired, excited and worried about being late. We’d hoped this time the doctor might give us a clue as to the sex of the baby like she did when I was pregnant with our daughter at the 14 week appointment. Maybe we’d go out for a celebratory lunch afterwards.

Instead, I spent the afternoon in a hospital maternity waiting room, surrounded by pregnant women with live, healthy babies inside their round bellies and pictures of cuddly newborns all around. I couldn’t help thinking how ‘wrong’ it is to tell me my child is gone and then send me into the one place where it would feel like the biggest slap in the face.

 I didn’t belong there. No woman in my situation belongs there.

Needless to say, my husband and I chose to wait out in the hallway after awhile.

-Friday’s events are going to take awhile to come to terms with but we’re doing okay. My girls took it a lot better than I expected, which was a relief. I think I was more worried about their reaction than my own. The hardships still aren’t quite over- I’m going in for the medical intervention tomorrow and perhaps we’ll soon have some answers that will help us grieve. I want to thank you all for allowing me to express myself here, as you always have. The friendship and support of this community means the world to me.

I won’t be changing my normal blogging schedule or anything else that brings harmony to my life.

This experience has changed enough as it is.

Thank you,

*CQG*

87 comments:

Jessica Bell said...

Oh Katie, I'm so so terribly sorry :o( I wish I could be there to offer some comfort. Thinking of you. xoxo

Candyland said...

I know there are no words to comfort you. I know it hurts. I know, no matter how many days pass or how many times you'll hear "I'm sorry", it won't take the pain away. There will always be that void in your heart for that life you created and lost. I've heard it all from kind souls trying to make it better. But it doesn't make it better. Some wounds never heal. Just know, woman to woman, I've been there and I know that feeling of seeing no heart beat, of sitting in those stirrups, vulnerable and open, with hope ripped from your grasp. You may never swallow right again, due to that big ball of sadness in the back of your throat. But rest assured...I know this...when your time on Earth is over, your baby will be waiting for you. But for now, that sweet soul is in your heart. Love that baby. Honor him/her. And most importantly, forget anyone who wants you to heal by a certain time or feel a certain way and then be over it. I'm here if you need to virtually cry it out, vent, or over-analyze WHY. Losing a baby is the worst pain a mother can endure. I'm thinking of you and will pray for the universe, or God, whoever, to heal your pain...

So much love and hugs.

Sarah said...

(((big hugs))), Katie. That's all I can say. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Wendy L. Callahan said...

*Hugs*. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Lauren Alissa Hunter said...

For some situations, there are no words.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers, thank you for your bravery and vulnerability for sharing this with us.

Sophia Chang said...

I don't know what to say, other than I'm listening - we all are, I hear you, I feel for you and I support you.

Old Kitty said...

Oh Katie. :-(

I am truly sorry. I don't have the words, I am truly sorry.

I'm lighting a candle for all of you in my heart.

Take care
x

Jen Daiker said...

I love you girl. If you need ANYTHING, I'm hear for skyping, texting, talking, whatever you need. Just know you are not alone. I'm so sorry. No amount of words will make the feelings go away, but we're here, for whatever you need.

Cristina said...

((hugs))) I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there and I know there's nothing anyone can say to make it better :( but know that we're here if you just need someone to listen.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'm so so sorry, Katie about what happened. *hugs* I can relate on a small level. I know what it's like to be with Moms who are still pregnant and you just want to scream that it's not fair. I'm here if you need to talk.

Leigh Ann said...

Oh, no no no. Oh, I'm so sorry. Words can't even begin to console. I know. I've been there. Like everyone else,(even though you.don't know me at all) I'm just an email away.

Holding you in my thoughts. <3

Natalie Aguirre said...

So very sorry Katie. Take care of yourself through this difficult time.

Laura Pauling said...

Okay I'm totally crying for you! I'm so sorry you had to experience that. No one should have to. Take the time to grieve. Wish I could stop by and give you a great big hug!

Jamie Grey said...

I am SO sorry, Katie. You and your family are in my thoughts. Please take care of yourself.

Kristie Cook said...

Hugs, thoughts and prayers for you and your family. I've been there and no, the heartache and questions will never go away, but there will be relief over time. I know there's not much that I can comfort you with. Your family is your comfort right now. Enjoy them. Love them. And eventually your heart and soul will heal.

Christina Lee said...

So reading this I got that familiar feeling of sorrow bunched up in my chest and that lump in the back of my throat and the ache in the center of my soul b/c basically you wrote my story from three years ago. Sorry doesn't cut and no amount of soothing will fill that hollow place inside of you, at least not right now. I am always an email away. (((((HUGS)))))

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Katie, I'm so very sorry. I won't even pretend to understand, but obviously I have no clue. I can pray for you and your family though.

Brinda said...

I'm so very sorry for what you and your family are going through with your loss.

Talli Roland said...

Katie, I'm so so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts. Sending you love and hugs.

Justin W. Parente said...

Katie, this is terrible news. I wish I could offer more condolences. I'm happy to hear that you're going to push and try to not let it affect you. Keeping yourself busy will be the best thing. If you're looking for some fun with writing friends, I'm holding a blogfest on February 13. Stop by and see what it's about.

God Bless.

Justin
In My Write Mind

Anne Gallagher said...

Oh Katie, I'm so sorry. ((big big Hugs)) for all your family.

Meika said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Katie, My thoughts are with you and your family, today and tomorrow and as you grieve and restore harmony to your life.

Connie Keller said...

I'm so, so sorry to hear your terrible news. I will be praying for you all as you grieve.

elizabethreinhardt said...

Katie, my heart aches for you and your family. I know you will be surrounded by love and support, and please know that we are all praying for you and thinking of you and yours.

Lindsay said...

Oh Katie, my thoughts are with you. I know there aren't any words that can ease this pain for you, but I'm sending you all the hugs in the world. We're all here for you! <3

Patty said...

All I can say is how sad it is...I hope you will be ok...

Christine Danek said...

Katie, I'm so sorry to hear this. You and your family are in my prayers. *hugs*

Jay Noel said...

So sorry. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.

Heather Day Gilbert said...

So sorry this day ever happened to you and your family, Katie. Thinking of and praying for you all.

Dean Crawford said...

Really sorry to hear of you and your family's loss Katie. Hope that you all cope with it as well as possible, and that better and brighter news awaits as 2012 progresses. Best wishes xx

Kristin Lenz said...

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing. I hope seeing all these supportive comments helps in some small way.

Haven said...

OH no I can't imagine the sense of loss you must feel. ::hugs::

Meredith said...

I'm so, so sorry. I'm keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Suzie F. said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

SA Larsenッ said...

Honey - ((((HUGS)))). Il n'ya pas de mots, même pour cet écrivain bavard. Mon cœur saigne pour vous et votre famille. Appuyez-vous sur votre famille et vos amis. Vous pouvez le cyberespace s'appuyer sur moi. I COEUR vous, et veulent vraiment nous vivions plus près. Je serais à vos côtés. Avec disant tout cela, j'entends force et leur espoir dans votre poste, votre voix. Vous êtes une femme forte et votre exemple pour les autres a une valeur. (I used the help of a translator. Please don't think my French is this verse.)

Tony Van Helsing said...

I'm sorry Katie but thank you for sharing your feelings so beautifully and eloquently. The fact that we can be wrenched so harshly from our everyday lives is a frightening one.
Be strong.

Becky Mahoney said...

Oh, Katie, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I hope the coming weeks bring you peace and brighter days.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Nicole Zoltack said...

Oh, Katie! I am so so sorry! *hugs* You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tamara Narayan said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Matthew MacNish said...

I'm so sorry, Katie, but glad you have somewhere to express your pain. We're listening.

Carrie Butler said...

I am so sorry to hear that. You guys will be in my prayers. :(

Trevor Green said...

I can't even imagine. I'm so very sorry. I'm sure the feeling of sadness in my own chest is nothing compared to the feelings running through you.

Katy Anders said...

There's nothing that can be said, but I felt compelled to comment anyway, if only to say I read it.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry, Katie...
You're in my thoughts and prayers today and always. I'm happy you reached out to us, we all care about you.
I'm always listening. <3

Sandra Ulbrich Almazan said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug:

Colene Murphy said...

Awe Katie, I'm so sorry. You've got thoughts and prayers for you and your family comin' at you. I'm so sorry. If you need anything at all just ask, okay? It's one of those circumstances where there isn't really anything anyone can do, but If I can even send you a snickers or a Coke, then I will. *hugs*

Susan R. Mills said...

I'm so sorry! I will be thinking about you and your family.

Laura Marcella said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. Wishing you and your family peace and comfort. You're in my thoughts and prayers. <3

Neurotic Workaholic said...

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. I'm glad that at least you have your family to be there for you.

Melody said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. I don't have any grand words, but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. <3

REINHARDT! said...

I'm so sorry, CQG. All I can do is join in with the chorus to send positive vibes your way. As much harmony as you get out of blogging, we get out of reading. But take as much time as you need. My thoughts are with you.

LD Masterson said...

I'm so sorry. I have no miracle words of comfort but I will ask our Lord to give you His comfort and strength.

DL Hammons said...

Oh girl! Everything I think to say right now sounds so lame when I read it back. You know I'm here for you, we all are, in whatever way you need us to be. Don't hesitate!

Melissa Buell said...

I'm so sorry to read about this. :( I also lost a baby early in my pregnancy - found out via ultrasound on what was supposed to be a happy day. Horrible, horrible day(s) followed. You'll be in my prayers, Katie. <3

Donna Hosie said...

I'm heartbroken for you.

Angie Paxton said...

I'm so so sorry. I lost my first. It's horrible. There are no words. Thinking of you and your family during this incredibly difficult time.

Cynthia Lee said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking about you and your family.

THE SARCASM GODDESS said...

I am so very sorry. I will be thinking of you.

Dawn Ius said...

Oh Katie, I am SO sorry - and this month, can somewhat relate. After years of trying to conceive (and being told we couldn't), my husband and I were shocked to find out I was pregnant last month...but I miscarried. I know there are no words that can make you feel better, but I do hope you can take time to heal. xoxox

Tonja said...

I'm so sorry. You're so brave to share your story. My thoughts are with you and your family.

LTM said...

oh, Katie, I'm just in tears reading this. I'm so so sorry for you and your husband and your little family. Losing a family member--even one you haven't formally met yet--is the most devastating thing you can experience. I'm sending the biggest, long-distance virtual ((HUG)) your way right now. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Take it easy, honey~ <3

Alleged Author said...

I'm so sorry for you. You are in my prayers.

Elle Strauss said...

I'll just add my condolences to this long list and pray you will feel better soon.

Nicole L Rivera said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. The hubby and I will keep you and your family in our prayers.

prerna pickett said...

saying sorry doesn't feel like enough, and it isn't. I wasn't as far along when I miscarried, but it was still hard. I hope you can get answers and start grieving with your family. You'll be in my thoughts.

Johanna Garth said...

Katie, I'm so, so sorry! I feel your loss so much and have held friend's hands as they've experienced the same loss.

Take care of yourself (which I'm sure your doing). I wish I could say something that would make it better. At the very least I'm happy to offer up support as part of your blogging community!

Johanna Garth said...

Katie, I'm so, so sorry! I feel your loss so much and have held friend's hands as they've experienced the same loss.

Take care of yourself (which I'm sure your doing). I wish I could say something that would make it better. At the very least I'm happy to offer up support as part of your blogging community!

lexcade said...

Katie, I'm so sorry, sweetheart. We all love you and will help you through however we can. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

(((((MUCH LOVE)))))

Christine Rains said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Karen Peterson said...

I've been through this with a lot of friends and I've learned that there is absolutely nothing I can say to make you feel any better. Just know that I'm thinking of you.

Karen Peterson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paul Anthony Shortt said...

I'm so sorry. My wife and I lost our son after only three days, no parent should have to go through this, no matter what stage it happens. You're in my thoughts.

Gina Dickerson said...

So very sorry. Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time.

Áine Tierney said...

So sorry to hear this. I haven't been blogging much the past months, but I often pop in to see how you are getting on.

vic caswell (aspiring-x) said...

i'm so sorry.

Nancy Thompson said...

Oh my gosh, Katie, I am so very, very sorry. Big, big hugs. You need time to grieve. It was a life, a dream, an expectation. It will take some time. But remember, you are loved and admired and respected. We are all here wrapping our big bloggy arms around you. Let yourself cry and feel and mourn. And remember, things will get better. And you will have another chance. God bless.

Ellen Brickley said...

I'm sorry for your loss, Katie. I don't have any wisdom to offer but I am thinking of you and your family.

Sarah Pearson said...

I'm so very sorry to read this. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Slamdunk said...

My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time Katie. I can't imagine your pain and sorrow.

Jessica Salyer said...

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.

Melissa Sugar said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that there are no words that will bring you comfort during this sad and confusing time. One of my triplet daughters died a few hours after they were born and it was the saddest day of my life. Some people do not understand the empty feeling a woman has when a baby was connected to her one day and is gone the next. I can only send you my warmest wishes that you and your family have peace as soon as you can. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you feel better soon.

Julie Hedlund said...

I know words can't help much, but I just wanted to say I am so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine the grief you must feel. Take good care of yourself during this difficult time and know we are all thinking of you.

Amy L. Sonnichsen said...

Oh Katie, I'm so sorry. Heartbreaking. Thinking of you!

Lady Gwen said...

My heart is breaking for you and your family. I am so sorry<3

LindyLouMac in Italy said...

I have not been around in the blogging world much recently so have only just caught up with your sad news. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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