Well, I’ve finished up the very last touches on the revisions for the agent and I’m pretty sure it’s ready to be sent off.
And yet, I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it.
The truth is, once I ‘hit send’- that’s it. The agent probably won’t get back to me about it for awhile but once she does, it could very well be the end of a fantastic experience.
Or the beginning of a new one.
I’ve been disappointed before. Very disappointed.-So disappointed that I’ve actually had to ask myself the question:
‘Should I stay or should I go?’
I know I’ve said that just staying in the game is an accomplishment but sometimes— after three years, four manuscripts, and countless rejections- it just doesn’t feel like enough.
Sometimes I feel like I’ll never ever make it- no matter what I do, how hard I try, or how many years I give this.
So what’s the point? Why keep doing this to myself? Would anyone really care if I just dropped out of the running? Or went with self publishing like so many frustrated writers are doing now a’days?
This moment is the closest I’ve ever come to that next step. The closest I’ve ever come to achieving my dream.
And once I ‘hit send’ the ball is no longer in my court. No control over what happens next. And sometimes I hate that fact - that I can keep writing, and keep trying to do better, but in the end, it’s not only up to me whether or not I become a traditionally published author.
It’s up to fate, and to a multitude of individuals that I have yet to meet.
I almost feel like when I ‘hit send’, I’ll be giving up in some way. Because I’m just not sure I’ll be able to bounce back from this one like I did with the others, you guys. If a detailed rejection on a full could have me questioning my place here- what’s going to happen if I fail when things count the most?
Ever feel like self doubt and fear is keeping you from moving forward?