Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Internal Conflict Blogfest

Today I’m contributing a scene to the Alliterative Allamorph’s Internal Conflict Blogfest!
The following is a scene from my recently finished novel ‘Welcome to Coventry’.  I finally got around to creating a page for the book with a poll so if you have the time and you’re interested in knowing more- please feel free to visit and vote:).
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Scott sat back in his chair. “We got a new student.  That girl I told you about who moved in across the street.”
“Oh.  Is she nice?” Sophie gave him a knowing look.
Craig scoffed and Scott hoped for a moment he’d choke on his pasta as he opened his mouth and spoke while chewing. “Yeah, she’s cute alright.  But a total headcase.  Told the whole school she’s a witch, like Old Evelyne.”
Sophie’s eyebrows rose.  “Huh.”
“That’s not true.” Scott interjected.  “She’s Pagan.  Her mom’s Pagan too.  I think it’s kinda cool, you know....alternative religions and stuff.”
"What the hell is Pagan?  Is that some kind of, like, cult where they speak pig latin?” Craig took a swig of coke and wiped some sauce from the corner of his mouth.
Scott narrowed his eyes. “No, Forrest, it’s a religion that was around before Christianity.”
Craig sat back. “Chill man.  You got the hots for the girl.  I get it.  You guys can go dance naked around a campfire like the natives.” He pointed to his chest.  “I don’t care.”
“Jesus, you’re such a douche.”
“Right back at you, jackass.”
“Boys that’s enough now.”  His father’s voice broke through.
            “May I be excused?” Scott grabbed his plate and headed toward the stairs before receiving an answer.
“Scott?” Sophie pleaded. 
“Just let him go, hun.  It’s alright,” his father said gently but followed him with his eyes.
            Scott dropped his plate on the desk next to his computer and ate while he checked his emails.  He could understand what his father saw in Sophie.  She was nice and kind of pretty with her dark hair and eyes.  And she was a great cook. 
            But his stepbrother Craig was almost enough to make him wish that his dad had never married Sophie at all.  Craig was a senior.  He was all-star basketball, football, wrestling and basically good at everything. 
Scott hated him.
 And it wasn’t just because ever since he moved in, his own father had jumped on the Craig Savoey Bandwagon.  It was because even though Craig was a complete jerk, everybody still seemed to love him.  His teachers loved him.  His father loved him.  The entire student body would probably give their right kidney for him.  Scott had never seen anyone who tried so little and gained so damn much.  The freaking jock even managed to get straight A’s.  Scott was a perpetual B student and his dad never failed to point out the differences in their report cards. 
It made him sick.
A light flickered on across the street and Scott stood and looked out the window, wondering which room in Old Evelyne’s farmhouse belonged to Avery.  There was something about that girl.  Craig was right about one thing.  Avery was really cute.  He sat back down in his computer chair and turned off the desk lamp so he could get a clearer view of the farmhouse. 
There was some movement behind the window; someone obviously moving around the room but Scott couldn’t make out who it was.  ‘Damn.  If only I had some binoculars.’
He leaned back and stared at the ceiling for a moment, thinking about Avery’s crystal blue eyes and pink mouth that curved up in the corners when she was being a smart ass.  She was the perfect height; not so short that he’d have to lean down too far if he kissed her. 
He smiled and closed his eyes.  The sun had shone off her hair that afternoon on the fire escape.  There were so many colors in it, he could have stared at it for hours.  He’d had to resist the urge to sweep one of the locks away from her face, just so that he could see how soft it was.  Yeah, she was something alright.

37 comments:

The Alliterative Allomorph said...

Firstly - "What the hell is Pagan? Is that some kind of, like, cult where they speak pig latin?” - LOLOL - very clever. :)

Secondly, I thought this was great becasue it wasn't your typical 'stream of consciousness' internal conflict. I love the way you showed us how Scott interacted with the other characters before letting us see what was going on in his head.

Thirdly, why is it that when young men are attracted to young women, they don't let on? LOL

Very cool :)

India Drummond said...

The pig latin line was great. Boys are funny creatures.

Roland D. Yeomans said...

Boys ... and girls ... are funny creatures. Good looks seem to cover a multitude of sins. There're studies that show teachers as a whole tend to grade more favorably on papers handed in by beautiful or handsome students.

You caught teenage angst perfectly. Bravo. Well done, Roland

Bethany Elizabeth said...

I love the way you described the relationships here, it's great, and I can understand them. And I agree with the others- pagan pig-latin cult was hilarious. :)

Theresa Milstein said...

At the risk of being repetitive, pig latin and pagan - great. I like the dynamics between the characters. Good balance here.

salarsenッ said...

I really like the voice. I won't reiterate what stood out for the others. *Wink*

Like it!
Sheri~
(Shh...I'm your 100.)

Creepy Query Girl said...

Thanks everybody for the comments! Sher- You are my favorite person right now! WOOHOOO! 100 followers baby!

Creepy Query Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matthew Rush said...

This is a great excerpt Katie, it seems very true to life.

Also your blog looks a little different, but I can't recall if it has changed or not.

Congrats on the followers, that awesome that's Sheri broke the barrier for ya, she is really cool.

Clara said...

Awesome Kd, great dialogues! Laughed my arse off with "Pig latin"! I LOVE Scott, Avery HAS to end up with him =D

Creepy Query Girl said...

thanks matt- yeah, my blog had a makeover;)

Creepy Query Girl said...

clara- i'll hopefully be submitting this one to our critics group soon!;)

Aubrie said...

Great teen voice! And a great way to introduce Paganism to teens through literature.

Matthew Rush said...

Katie - saw your comment on my blog - did you get my email?

Rachele Alpine said...

Oh my gosh...I just found your blog and I have to tell you that I can't stop laughing at your bio. I love it! And I agree...when I was looking for an agent, I could have been the CQG too!

Creepy Query Girl said...

Got it Matt- no prob!

DL Hammons said...

Finally, an Internal Conflict Blogfest entry where a man isn't the source of the conflict. :) I love your dialogue...very fluid and natural. A really nice scene!!

Jaydee Morgan said...

I'm really liking these internal conflict thoughts coming from the male perspective. You did a great job with this - very believable.

I also want to say that I like the new look!!

Dawn said...

No wonder you're stalking agents, girl. This was great. Laughed at loud at the pig latin line and then had to show my stepdaughter - that's how she and I communicate when she wants to talk about girl stuff in front of her Dad. Second languages aren't his thing :-)

Candyland said...

Very good! I liked this a lot! (A nice distraction from my ho-hum post)

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Great scene. Loved that it was from a guy's perspective too. :)

Tessa Conte said...

Good stuff! You really hit the right tone here to let it sound genuine, a teen boy meeting the New Girl...with a twist.

ps. "If only I had some binoculars." Hehehe.

Jen said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again you really do have a great voice. You are really good at dialogue something that I'm working on so I can appreciate the awesomeness!!

Creepy Query Girl said...

Wow- thanks guys, so much! I was kind of nervous (I don't post excerpts often) but i'm really grateful for all of your encouraging comments so THANKS!!!
btw- Candy - you're post was anything but ho hum

Slushpile Slut said...

This was nice!! Intrigued by the 2nd paragraph,gained empathy for the MC, had humor and realistic dialogue...love this line..."Scott had never seen anyone who tried so little and gained so damn much."...so many kids can relate to that!! Excellent job...Left me wanting to know more...And I love the name Avery!!

Alesa Warcan said...

After the first three lines I was wondering if I was going to like it. I was thinking "Hmmm... Teenage drama..." And then all of sudden I had finished reading it. I suspect that if I had had the whole thing I would have read it in one sitting. : j Good job.

Talli Roland said...

I like the pig Latin line, too.

Really enjoyed reading this. Thanks!

Donna Hole said...

How angsty; and I thought only teen girls got that way. Good voice and dialogue.

........dhole

Shelley Sly said...

What a fun excerpt! I really enjoyed it! :)

Carolyn V. said...

Great new look!

You have a great voice! Whoop! Way to go. =)

sarahjayne smythe said...

I love the dialogue and your voice here. Great entry for the blogfest. :)

Tara said...

Loved the voice here! You do teen angst so well.

T.J. Carson said...

REally enjoyed this, intrigued to hear more! The conflict was clear, there is noticable family drama, emotion distress when it comes to Avery, and rivalry with Craig! And your MC internalizes it all! Loved this <3

Shannon said...

This was great. Thanks so much for sharing. :)

And yeah, love the new blog look!

Tina Lynn said...

I loved this! The conversations was so spot on. The dialogue didn't seem contrived and still I got backstory from it. Awesome.

Bridge Marie said...

I really liked the rivalry between the two boys, and the details Scott picks out about Avery - like the curve of her lips when she's being a smartass and all the colors in her hair. Very sweet.

I'm really liking this blogfest, trying to catch up now, it's such a great way to meet everyone!

Johanna said...

What a great excerpt...I just found out that I missed this "blogfest" on several blogs and am so disappointed! But at least I got to read some great excerpts and find some more awesome blogs!

I'll be back often!

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