Friday, July 22, 2011

Hooligans

As you can imagine, I have noticed some cultural differences between American men and French men.  But today I’d rather talk about something they have in common.  The sport might not be the same.  In the U.S. it’s usually either football, basketball, or baseball. The leading sport in Europe is soccer, of course.

And while I guess you could say American men might be a bit more athletic than Frenchmen (organized sport isn’t part of the school curriculum in France and there are no inter-school competitions like in the U.S.)- there are exceptions.

But in general, I’d say about 80% of American men and Frenchmen alike prefer to enjoy their sports from the comfort of a nice cushy couch, accompanied with an ice cold beer and the companionship of their guy friends.

All of this is fine and good, of course.  Except for one little detail whose logic escapes me:

By some inexplicable trait of universal male-brain damage; men actually believe they are playing the sport.  They sit there, beer in hand and ass firmly planted while they watch the actual athletes exhausting real physical effort for the win-and yet act as though their cries of  “Yes!  Yes! GO!” and “What are you DOING???? Left!  Left!  Look he’s open dammit!”  and “That was a foul!  Off SIDES!!!!!”   --will actually, by some intricate magic or prayer, influence the game on the television.

*Newsflash dudes.*

 It doesn’t.

I mean, I can understand getting swept up in the game.  Sure.  They lose themselves in the moment.  It’s entertainment after all.  But what I can’t understand is how after said game, men like to make triumphant statements like:  “We totally kicked their ass.  We’re going to the finals!”

We’?  what is this ‘we’?  You didn’t DO anything!?  You just sat there and shouted at the screen for an hour!  What the hell is wrong with you?

Of course, when you actually state these thoughts aloud, the men look at you like ‘you’re’ the one who’s gone nuts.  (again.  Brain damage.)

And then-to make things worse, some men will actually nurture an everlasting and undying hate for any supporters of a rival team with the logic that anyone who plants their ass in front of the television and routes for the opposite team is a traitor to mankind and must be bad-mouthed, degraded and, in some of the most extreme cases to date- actually die.

It’s madness.  Pure and simple.   And they say women are irrational.  But you don’t see us yelling obscenities at people who can’t hear us and hating others for doing the same.  We don’t take out a baseball bat when we’re Team Jacob faced with Team Edward, for god’s sakes.  Give me a break. 

Male.  Brain.  Damage.
It’s universal. 

Have a great weekend everyone!

*CQG*

19 comments:

Sarah Pearson said...

Umm...I might occasionally be caught shouting obscenities at blind referees, but only the ones who deserve it ;-)

Samantha Vérant said...

My hubs is an anomaly, I think. RARELY does he drink beer, nor does he yell at the TV. Er, that would be me. : 0

Laura Pauling said...

It is fun to get into a game but I've never yelled at the screen before! :)

DL Hammons said...

It's the exact opposite at my house. Normally I'm the one sitting there calmly watching the game and its my wife going bat-shit crazy screaming at the TV. She's a Cub's fan...do I need to say anymore?? :)

Old Kitty said...

I've been in pubs where the women supporters were far scarier than their male counterparts but then I think that's because they feel they have to prove their "masculinity" in an overwhelmingly male-dominated sport and sport-watching place. Good grief! I feel like I'm about to write an essay on gender politics! LOL!!!!

Take care
x

Jen Daiker said...

This was hilarious. I tend to agree with you wholeheartedly. I'm not on to scream at the television when it comes to sports.... HOWEVER... I am one that voices my opinions while watching the housewives.

Hey, we all gotta be good at something.

Matthew MacNish said...

My preferred vista is actually from a wooden barstool, in a bar (obviously), but otherwise you pretty much got everything right.

I know I'm part of the team, because I have a jersey. I'm a member of the Minnesota Vikings, the Atlanta Falcons, the Atlanta Braves, and the Boston Celtics. I've got it like that.

Suzie F. said...

LOL, Katie!
I've been known to officiate from the couch along with my husband.

Oh, and did you hear WE won the Stanley Cup last month?

:P

M. J. Macie said...

I agree with you, yet I have been known to do the same. I get so 'caught up' with the sport (football or Hell's Kitchen) that I yell at the TV as though they could hear me and respond.

Amy Saia said...

My brother loves sports, and goes crazy when his team is losing. I haven't watched a game with him in a few years, but he will literary go pale and leave the room, or yell obscenities and even hit things. I think you're right about American men thinking they're actually part of the game. Too funny.

Cynthia Lee said...

LOL. I'm from Alabama, land of college football madness. Watching out of shape guys sit on a couch and "play" football is a sight I'm familiar with.

My best girlfriend, though, is nearly as bad. She will get jagermeistered, fall on floor, fall on couch, cry if her team loses.

Needless to say, I hate football season.

Jeffrey Beesler said...

What can I say? Men have to cling to some sort of fantasy because sometimes the alcohol just isn't enough intoxication for them. Though in all honesty, I neither drink nor indulge in watching sports 99.9% of the time. If it weren't for writer research, that last .01% would not even exist.

Thanks for sharing!

Peggy Eddleman said...

Hahaha! That. Was. Awesome.

cherie said...

LMAO!!! You crack me up! ;D That was BRILLIANT.

Lisa said...

Hi, I just wanted to stop by and thank you for commenting over at Talli's blog when I guest posted.
Nice post! You had me cracking up. Yes, men are definitely from Mars. And I'm Team Jacob btw. Rob Patzz looks like Butt Head from Beavis and Butthead. And since we're all level headed gals, no one is gonna clobber me. bwarhahahaha.

Talli Roland said...

What is it with men, anyway? Mr TR isn't really into watching sports, thank goodness, but we can hear the men yelling from the pub down the street whenever there's a football match on!

mshatch said...

sadly, I must admit to acting in similar fashion when watching basketball. I just can't help it!

Hilarious post, btw.

Anita said...

Hah! Your posts always make me smile!

Steph said...

Haha! That's why I quit hockey (again).. it's just too ridic...

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