Friday, October 1, 2010

Some Funny Sh*t

As a lover of analogies and a long time sufferer of ‘writing analogy addiction’, I had to share this with you guys.

" These analogies are the winning entries in a 1999 Washington Post humor contest"

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.”

I found this post here. 
Have a great weekend everyone!
*CQG*

38 comments:

Christine Fonseca said...

Hahaha! I LOVE these!

Alesa Warcan said...

Heheheh! Now we need to tie these together in a story! ; j
Funny stuff! Very funny!

Jade said...

Thanks for that. I really needed the laugh!!

Renae said...

These were great! Now guess what will be popping in my head while I'm writing!

Jen Daiker said...

HAHAHA!! I wish I could pick a favorite but the minute I'd start I'd follow with the rest of them!!! These were awesome chick! Thanks for sharing!!!

Excellent way to end on a friday!

Meika said...

Hahaha! Thanks for sharing. These really made me giggle!

Babydoll said...

HAHAHA! That was amazing...like a babies diaper after eating green peas... LOL

Piedmont Writer said...

These were too funny! Thanks so much for the early morning laugh.

Matthew Rush said...

OMFG these are good, thanks Katie! This post is almost as cool as you are, thanks for sharing.

Today's guest blogger in Christina Lee!

Melissa Gill said...

Oh Lord, I so needed that laugh after fielding a call from a total B. I don't know which of these is funnier. Thanks!

Roland D. Yeomans said...

I especially liked the McBride hefty bag analogy. Thanks for the laughter. A great way to end the week, Roland

Nicole L Rivera said...

LMBO. Great Friday morning laugh feast :)

Quinn said...

Haha! I loved #9 and 21!

Katie Anderson said...

Where did they even find these?! Hilarious!

Jaydee Morgan said...

Some really great ones here - thanks for sharing :)

Janet Johnson said...

Hilarious! Thanks for sharing. :)

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I can totally relate to #8. The ATM part, not the marriage part.

And yuck to #12. Definitely not a romance.

Laura Pauling said...

Those are great. What wonderful humor even if gross.

Carolyn V. said...

LOL! Those are great. hee hee.

Jolene Perry said...

Thanks. We all tried to keep our breakfast from spewing out of our noses as I read these this morning.

WindyA said...

ROFL! Thanks for a hilarious end to the week!

Laura Marcella said...

LOL, I've seen these before! So funny! #7, 9, and 23 made me laugh out loud!

Tom M Franklin said...

these are from 1999? surely this kind of gem producing contest must be an annual event!


--Tom

Old Kitty said...

I wish I could be this creative! LOL!!! NO. 21 made me laugh out louder than the rest! LOL! Take care
x

Nicole Zoltack said...

LOL Ever so often, I read these. Some people have no clue how to actually write a good simile.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

These always give me a good laugh! :-)

Carolyn Abiad said...

Lol - not some of the most wonderful visuals though...

Raquel Byrnes said...

Ah ha ha! A Hefty bag full of vegetable soup...eww!

You are so funny. Great post.

Edge of Your Seat Romance

Matthew Rush said...

I came back to read these again, because they freaking rule and I needed a laugh.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

The ones that reference dogs got me!

Melody said...

Hahahahaha!! Still laughing out loud, here! Thanks, Katie. :)

Grammy said...

Ha, I love analogies, just like the chocoholic loves Raspberry Chocolate Truffles, Yum!

Those were great!
Ruby

Jessie said...

Thanks for sharing these. Hope everyone came up with a humorous analogy on purpose. :)

notesfromnadir said...

Imaginative! I think #10 is pretty poetic -- kinda rivals #4. Actually, #4 probably was written in jest.

Shelley Sly said...

HAHA! These cracked me up! Thanks so much for posting! xD

Walter Knight said...

They had similiar tastes, except, they were different.

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Wonderful! My favorites were 9 and 10, and 19 and 20!

Now if only I could get that image of McBride hitting the pavement out of my head!

City Girl (EC1) said...

Haha they are brilliant :) Great post! Find the vegetable soup one slightly worrying..! Lovely to find your blog. xx

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