Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Time to Vote For Your Favorite Query Spoof!

The Query Spoof Entries were a TON of fun to go through.  Unfortunately we had to narrow it down to our top five picks.  The rest is up to YOU!  Below are the top five.  In my side bar you'll find a poll where you can vote for the one you enjoyed the most!  Can you tell what book or movie each entry is trying to pitch?  Entries will stay up today and tomorrow and final winners will be announced Friday.  I haven't included the names of contenstants but if you recognize your entry- you can up your chances by sending followers here to vote!


1st Prize winner will receive an over-the-phone publishing consultation from one of the accomplished authors/editors at The Writer’s Workshop!

2nd Prize winner will receive a 30 page critique from the members of the ‘3Critics Club’ (my critiquing group) on The Word Cloud

3rd Prize winner will receive a choice of champagne or gourmet chocolates shipped directly from yours truly (in France:)

Entry #1
Dear Mr. Agent Man,
Froda Bagpins got some cool hand-me-down jewelry, a ring. Well somehow this girl who died in a water-well called Tamara comes looking for “The Precious”, which is what she calls this antique ring. However, when Froda comes into possession of this ring, she has no idea of its mystical powers! The ring makes you disappear and this creeper named “He-who-we-do-not-speak-of” can see you with his evil eye while you wear it.
Anyways, Ms. Froda is about three feet tall with large hairy feet. Froda received this ring from her uncle Bobo Bagpins, who mysteriously disappeared after their freakishly tall warlock-friend-of-the-family came to town. This friend of the family, Gandolf-Dumbledor, tells Froda to take the ring far away from Tamara and throw it down the water-well in which her step-mother drowned her in. Tamara is scared of any and all water now and will not be able to get her algae covered hands on it if the ring is in that particular well.
However, there is a problem. Froda has an obsession with videotapes, in fact, she is a movie buff. And it so happens that Tamara made a lethal sex-tape, anyone who watches it will die. Well Froda was given this tape by her best friend Sam (Samantha). Luckily Gadolf-Dumbledor realizes the power of this sex-tape and destroys it before Froda and Samantha are scarred for life. With their lives in tact and Tamara creeping along their trail, as quickly as she can drag her body and avoid trees, thanks to her lengthy hair that’s always in her face, the girls make it to the well. However, Froda has become attached to the ring. Every time she wears it, “He-who-we-do-not-speak-of” whispers sweet nothings in her ears and she claims she is in love. But Samantha wrestles with her and manages to drop the ring down the well, but not before Tamara catches up and bites off Froda’s finger for destroying her “Precious”.
The Harry Ring Lord is approximately a 323,435 words in length and was based off of 3 influential movies in my life. Please publish me, for the sake of Froda Bagpins’ lost digit. Life is much harder for her, I have to cut the crust off of all of her elfin-bread sandwiches.
DON’T WATCH THE TAPE,
Entry #2
Dear whoever,
During a recent trip to the grocery store, under a puppy ad on the bulletin board by the door, I saw your flyer with the tear-out coupons. You're, like, number twenty-seven on my to-query list, so I felt this to be a sign and I had nothing better to do today.
In a future Bob's Plumbing, where the rulers of toilets maintain control through a weekly televised plunging competition, pitting crack-showing plumbers from each of Bob's departments against one another, forty-seven-year-old Rufus's bad ass skills are put to the ultimate test when he voluntarily takes his understudy's place, possibly losing his will to plunge, forever.
My semi-dystopian, contemporary, fantasmic, thriller, The Plunger Games, is complete at 450,000 words and proves one man's plunger is another man's inevitable death (by embarrassment).
I've also finished the sequels, Catching Tire, where Rufus survives, throws his plunger away and opens an auto store. And the third, Locking Day, Rufus is forced by Bob's to lock up shop for good. Or die. What will he choose?
My mom said this series will “blow your mind,” or your “gasket,” whatever that means. I have zero experience as a plumber, but it can't be that hard and everyone needs a toilet. I've showed The Plunger Games to my neighbor, Harry, and though he's not an expert, he said this was the “bathroom book of the year.”
Thanks for your time, but what else would you be doing anyway? All three books are available for your review. Shoot me an email because my minutes are low.
Thanks.
Sincerely,
Future best-seller of The Plunger Games series
Entry #3
Dear : Agents A-Z
I don’t know what kind of books you handle but I though if I just emailed everyone in the Writer’s Market I’m bound to get a few nibbles. My book FrightLight is almost halfway done and I thought I’d get a jump on the whole ‘representing’ thing.
My story is about a girl named Pretty, whose mom is a total flake and ships her to a rainy little town filled with woods and sheriffs and stuff. Pretty is sad and goes around being sad, and beautiful in a high school filled with people who instantly like her despite the fact that she is kind of unpleasant and a bummer. She crushes on this guy who treats her really bad, says she’s smelly, and stares at her menacingly in the parking lot.
The guy’s name is Eugene and is actually an old guy trapped in a kid’s body…a friend of his gave him a virus called Vampire that makes him not age. He hangs out in high schools and stalks the new girls. He lives with other old people who have this virus. They all hate that they permanently look like hot teenagers because it’s a curse to be gorgeous for all eternity…plus if they go out into the sunlight they flash like strobe lights.
Everyone stays away from Eugene and his gang except Pretty, who thinks that boys sneaking into her room at night to watch her sleep is not stalker behavior, but kinda sweet. Although Eugene constantly tells Pretty that she is unable to survive her own clumsiness, repeatedly tells her they can’t be friends, and disappears for days, she decides that he’s a catch and falls in love with him.
Eugene takes Pretty to his favorite secluded forest area and announces that she is so well…pretty, that he finds it hard not to kill her on the spot. Pretty thinks it is so noble that Eugene resists this murderous urge just for her and proceeds to tempt him by getting really close to his mouth. Meanwhile there’s another gang of virus-old-people-in-hot-bodies, these have different colored eyes so you can tell the difference, that decide if Eugene isn’t going to devour Pretty, then they call dibs. This is a total party foul in the virus society. Eugene’s family whisks Pretty away to safety, tell her horrible news, and then lose track of her.
Pretty falls for a bait-and-switch ploy and is lured to be dinner by one of the opposing virus dudes. He and Eugene fight and then Eugene’s family tear him apart and set him on fire while dancing about in a rain-dance like fashion because that is what sophisticated virus people do. Pretty almost gets the virus, but Eugene saves her by sucking it out of her arm. He does NOT empty her like a juice pouch and since this is very challenging for him, it proves he’s totally in love with her and really strong.
Eugene’s family takes Pretty to the hospital, lies to her mother about how she got hurt, and then leaves Eugene there to watch her sleep some more. Pretty’s mom buys the entire story hook-line-and-sinker, leaving Pretty and Eugene to be together. I have another book in mind about Pretty and a guy named Jason Gray who has anger issues and gets involved with a dog cult.
Thank you for your time. Get back to me quick for first dibs when I finish the book!
Sincerely, VampLuver2010

Entry #4
Dear Agent-dude:
Was Up!? Um, I’ve got a cool idea for a book ’cause, like, I saw on your webpage that you represent books, but dude! I don’t recognize any of those other author’s names. So anyway, I think I can help you out.
Okay, so like this little girl lives with her mom and dad. Like, duh. Oh! She also has an older sister, who is, like, fifteen maybe? And an older brother, who is, I don’ know, let’s say eight. Oh yeah! The little girl is five. So weird sh*t, sorry, starts happening in their house like chairs moving by themselves and their dog, like, barks at the walls.
Then, this is really cool, the little girl gets sucked into another dimension during this hugefreakin’ thunderstorm. The parents don’ even know, ‘cause like, this crazy wacked-out tree comes into the kid’s bedroom and tries to eat the brother. Did I tell you the brother and sister share a room?
So then the little girl’s voice comes on the TV, on a channel with, you know, just static. Wait. Do they have channels like that anymore? Okay, maybe this happened a long time ago. I’ll have to work it out. Anyway, the family hires this ‘little person’ who is a real sichic? Physics? Um, and this little person helps the mom go into the other dimension and get her kid back.
But wait! I almost forgot the best part. First the mom falls into their empty swimming pool. No. She falls into the hole where the swimming pool is going to be. And there’s, like, skeletons in their. Really gross ones. And, like, we find out the house was built on a graveyard, and the ghosts of those corpses are totally pissed off.
So I attached the first hundred or so pages. Sorry if the font cheeses you out, but I really think Curlz ‘MT’, or Curlz MT, is the only way to go. Don’t you? To conserve space, I don’t have, like, margins or double space or any of that crap. Cool.
Check ya later!
Awesome Writer Dude
Oh Dude!
I like totally forgot to tell you the name of my book! Wow. Okay, it's Ghost In Your Closet, or do you like The Ghost Who Came For Dinner? Because, in the end, dude! The ghost eats the house. Wicked.
Awesome Writer Dude
PS I don' know the page count yet,'cause I'm like, not finished and my Frolf tourney starts this weekend. Schweet!

Entry #5
To Whom It May Concern:
I am excited about your opportunity to work with me. My novel, I’m Not Good Enough For You…Or, Perhaps You Are Not Good Enough For Me is character driven. You will find, as you read my enclosed manuscript, I have a gift with words – words that you cannot help but read aloud so you can feel them, thick and sweet, on your tongue and hear them whispered on the wind, drifting into the ether to blend with all that is beautiful in the world. I am confident that you will be as moved as you read as I was as I wrote. This is my gift to you. Treasure it. You are welcome.
Although my text is rich and abundant and full of witticisms and persiflage between my archetypal characters, I will strive, for your benefit, to make my summary as mundane as possible.
Lisa, at the age of twenty, has begun her decline into spinsterhood. She is the second eldest daughter of five, all of whom have little chance of succeeding in life. This is due to poor retirement planning on the part of their father and gauche behavior on the part of their mother. Of all the daughters, the eldest, Joan, has the most chance for success because she is not only beautiful, but she is docile and submissive – traits to be admired in a woman. Lisa and Joan are great friends and both wish to find a handsome, rich man and fall in love.
Luckily a handsome, rich man, Barney, moves into, the neighborhood. His best friend, Darryl, is even more handsome and rich. Joan and Barney begin dating, but both of them are too shy to express their feelings. Lisa had some hopes of attracting Darryl’s attention, but after overhearing him criticize her, goes into a snit and swears she will have nothing to do with him.

What she does not know is that Darryl, much to the chagrin of his pompous groupies, has had a change of heart about Lisa. Lisa finds herself having to spend time with Darryl and, although she cannot stand him, she cannot seem to leave him alone, and they have many verbal sparring matches, full of thrust and parry that hints of the tension caused by the sex they are not having.
Meanwhile, Joan and Barney’s relationship appears to be thriving. Darryl is not convinced that Joan is honest in her feelings, and convinces Barney to leave. Joan is sad, but is too pleasant to be heartbroken.
Amidst some filler subplots about Lisa’s other sisters, Lisa finds herself, once again, forced to be in Darryl’s company. He professes his love in a rather rude way and admits that he talked Barney into leaving Joan. Lisa is horrified and tells him she could never love him. Or could she?

In order to forget her woe, she takes a vacation with her Aunt and Uncle. As they tour the countryside in rustic splendor, Lisa finds out just how rich Darryl is. She begins to doubt her initial reaction and resumes an awkward relationship of sorts with him.
Luckily for Lisa and her entire family, Darryl, realizes that he had been a jerk and fixes everything for everyone. Lisa finds out about his good deeds and agrees to marry him.Everyone lives happily ever after.
The above summary is as small of a nutshell as I can make my masterpiece without being forced to commit seppuku. I feel like I have butchered my life’s work in trying to outline the meat of the plot, when, in fact and in actuality, the plot has only ever been the mere and inconsequential medium for me to express my art. This summary cannot show the beauty of the written word – in order to experience it fully, you must read my manuscript. While originally over 500,000 words in length, I understand that the average reader without the necessary education might be overwhelmed. I have condensed as much as my conscience will allow, to be a brief 122,000 words in length. But please understand, each word is integral to the art that is, I’m Not Good Enough For You…Or, Perhaps You Are Not Good Enough For Me.
I am sure you will enjoy my work. I look forward to talking about myself with you.

Yours,
Narcissa Braggadocio

35 comments:

Bridge Marie said...

These are so amazing! Great job everyone!

Vicki Rocho said...

Hysterical! Such spoof-alicious talent!

My vote goes to #4 though

Jen said...

Okay so that must have been the toughest search through queries because these were beyond awesome! As usual I completely forgot to put mine in but they wouldn't have amounted to anything compared to these wonderfully awful pieces!!

My vote (VERY VERY DIFFICULT) is for #1... nothing can beat The Harry Ring Lord!!! Hehe!

Laura Pauling said...

They were all good! I voted!

Matthew Rush said...

I vote for number 1 even though I adore LOTR and am a bit offended by something this sacrilegious regarding Tolkien's work. Just kidding!

Candyland said...

HA! So funny! Great entries.

Clarissa Draper said...

They are all really good. I love the first one because it's a good spoof. I love the second one because it's so polar opposite to what you should do. I think you have a hard decision to make.

CD

MBW aka Olleymae said...

These are all great!! What a cool idea for a contest!!

Aubrie said...

They are all awesomely funny. I vote for #1!

JustineDell said...

Hahahahahaha!! These are GREAT!!!!

~JD

Adventures in Children's Publishing said...

OMG - These are awesome. HOW do you choose between these? I LOVE #5and #3, but the others are great too. Completely fabulous!

Tessa Conte said...

PFFF-AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

ahem.

Sorry. Off to vote now.

ps. poor agents, they probably really get letters like that...

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Oh, no! I can't choose. They're all so bad (good). I wonder if agents do get queries that are this bad. Usually the ones I see on the agent blogs are never this long. Or maybe there's a reason they never make it onto the blogs to be critted. ;)

Dawn said...

Oh snap. They're ALL so good. Thanks for making me laugh. Voting...

T.J. Carson said...

Haha these were soooo good!!!! I just cast my vote! Good luck to all, I have my fingers crossed Katie! ;)

Kelley Vitollo said...

Those are GREAT. I laughed out loud a couple times. It's hard to choose one. Heading to vote right now. Great picks!

The Alliterative Allomorph said...

Excellent! I voted :) hahaha

Renae said...

These were all so good! I had a hard time deciding!

Janet Johnson said...

Very fun! My vote's in, too. :)

Talli Roland said...

Hilarious! These are great entries.

I voted!

Carolyn V. said...

They were all so awesome! I couldn't stop laughing! Good job everyone! =)

Creepy Query Girl said...

Thanks so much for participating in the vote you guys! I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your blogs today- I was held hostage by a kiddie birthday party but I'll be back full force tomorrow!

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Nooo, please don't make me choose. I love them all. But I pick number one.
Did I mention I loved them all though? haha

Suzanne Casamento said...

"Because, in the end, dude! The ghost eats the house. Wicked."

That made me laugh out loud. These entries are fantastic!

Shelley Sly said...

Hilarious! These were so fun to read! I voted for my favorite. :)

Carlos said...

Maybe I'm just on the vampire bandwagon because I'm from Seattle, but Fright Light got me in the funny bone. "They all hate that they permanently look like hot teenagers because it’s a curse to be gorgeous for all eternity..." Classic.

salarsenッ said...

These are great!! Thanks for the exercise.

Culture Served Raw said...

A very amusing, very funny selection! Lots of talented people out there. I could imagine how fun it wouldv'e been to go through these! Great work

Kelly Dexter said...

All funny, but #3 had me rolling!

Lynn said...

All are so creative! #1 is my favourite.

Erin Kane Spock said...

"Everyone stays away from Eugene and his gang except Pretty, who thinks that boys sneaking into her room at night to watch her sleep is not stalker behavior, but kinda sweet." This had me laughing out loud.
Then again, they were all pretty awesome.

Saumya said...

Wow; these are awesome. It's so nice of you to hold a contest like this!! I put in my vote and am excited for the results :)

Nicole MacDonald said...

3 & 5 but all really funny!

S.D. said...

I think #5's great!

Uma said...

thank you for your wonderful blog! Loved all entries!!

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